We're going to be playing Ghostbusters on the NES until we win. Now, I know the Angry Video Game Nerd already did this, but, he cheated; he used a Game Genie, and the rules of Until We Win are pretty simple: there is no cheating outside of the game, so that means no Game Genies, that means no emulator save states, no emulator pausing and no emulator rewinding and replaying. If it's in the game it's cool, like the Konami Code or warp zones, and you can play with an emulator, you just can't cheat with it. That being said, I am playing with an emulator because I don't have an NES and I don't have a huge fucking library of games that I'm completely and utterly jealous of. But what I do have is a simple Logitech wireless controller. Now the rules are pretty simple: you can use turbo buttons, so these two (shows controller and taps two buttons) are my regular A and B buttons, these two (taps other two buttons) are my turbo buttons. Really simple. (start screen of the game fades in)
Alright, so, start the game off, we're going to buy our, uhh... equipment. Gotta buy the beam and the trap - woopity fucking do right? And now we get to wander around the map until the buildings start flashing red. Alright so we found a building, we're going to go inside, and... now we have to drive to it, because apparently we weren't driving before, we were just... floating around. *sigh* Driving's really easy; you get the right lane, you press forward and you just get there *snort*.
And, here we are. We... lay... down the trap. 'K? Lay down the trap and... we can't capture any ghosts because they are all at the top of the screen. Excellent. So... Now we wash, rinse and repeat until we can get into the Zuul building. Isn't this just a fun game? *sighs*
(montage - Benny Hill show song )
And now we're in the Zuul building. And I can't move, oh I can move I have to press A. OK? (sounds of intense button tapping and LordKat leaning forward to show his frustration) Gahh... Hate... Can't fucking press A any faster... Die! Ah!
(montage - Slayer: Die By the Sword)
Gah fuck! You die, and you don't get any continues. Shit! Now I gotta do this again... Alright, here are a couple of tips while you're playing the game. First off, when you start off the game, buy a regular beam and a super trap. Believe me, you don't want to go around empying your regular traps. You get a super trap, you never have to empty it. Also I learned something very important: when you're at a building trying to capture ghosts, you can press the Up button and you can actually move the characters up to the top of the sidewalk, decreasing the space left for the ghosts to hide from you by about half. Yeah, that helps out a lot! Another thing, when you're trying to capture the ghosts, make sure you get all four at the same time, otherwise you're only going to get $800 at one time. If you get 'em all four at same time you get $3000. It's kinda like Super Mario Bros where if you keep hopping on the Goombas you get more and more points. Same principle applies here. Get all four at the same time, you get more money.
Alright, the driving stages in this game suck, but there a few things you can do to make them a little less painful. First off you gotta learn about the gas cans. Gas cans will only appear if you're 70 metres or further away from the building you want to get to, otherwise they're never going to show up. Something else that's very interesting about the gas cans is that the will often only appear in one lane. That is, the first time you see the gas can and you miss it, it's going to reappear at that same lane over and over again, nine times out of ten. 'Course, there is that one time where it will decide to switch lanes but there's not much you can do about that, it's a real pain in the ass. Another driving tip in this game is to make sure to go as fast as possible at all times. I know this seems counter-intuitive because you're going to hit a lot of cars, but after getting $3000 per building you don't have to worry about that. What you do have to worry about is going too slow. If you go too slow, there are a couple of problems, a couple of bugs that creep up into this game. First off: the gas cans never appear! You have to be going at the speed of fucking light in order to make the gas cans appear which I don't understand. And number two: you run out of fuel faster if you go slower.
By the way, one of the first items you'd want to buy is a ghost alarm. It's a life saver so you don't have to keep wandering around the map like a complete asshole waiting for a building to start flashing red. They'll just flash red for you and you can go to them, which is the way the game should have been in the first place.
So, starting off the game, you get the regular beam and the super trap, you go around until the building flashes, you get your money, you get $2000, you buy the ghost alarm. The ghost alarm will show you where all the ghosts are. You go around, you save up enough money for a super beam. You get the super beam, now you go around and save up more money until you have one hundred and twenty thousand dollars. O-one hundred and twenty thousand dollars... three thousand dollars at a time. Do you know how long this takes? F-Forty five minutes. FUCK!
(montage - Slayer: The Antichrist)
Alright we're back at the building again, I ain't gonna tap the fuck out of the A button. I'm using turbo bitch! Yeah that's right.
(montage - Metallica: Last Caress)
And finally I'm up to Gozer! Yeah! Yeah that's right, I'm gonna show this bitch how it's done, yeah, Yeah. Yeah, stop. M-uh oh God, I can move back, oh God. *burps and smiles at camera*
(montage - Metallica: Die Die Darling)
Yeah! That's right bitch! Who the man? I'm the man! Who the man? I'm the man! I'm the... what? (shows the infamous ending screen) Well... Well at least I won. Huh. OK then... Hmm. Um, in conclusion, this game has extremely low replay value. I, uh, beat the game. It took me three or four days to finally do it. I kinda lost track there because all the driving sorta numbed my brain. And, um, I don't think I'll ever be playing this game again, any time soon in fact.
(montage - Bruce Springsteen: Glory Days)