There's a lot of shit that's fucked up about being me, but I'm alive and that's got to count for something, right?

I wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for my friends. I've fallen, and a lot of you have helped pick me up. which is why I think you guys deserve to know the harsh, ugly truth about being me.

I'm a fucking liar. I lie to cover my ass. I lie to get jobs. Hell, I lied to get a girl to go on a date with me.

Most importantly, I lied to make you guys go away.

I want to talk about why I flipped out, and what's been going on since then, but I can't fucking bring myself to tell the whole story, again. It's long, it's boring, and it's not from the heart. the truth is, Chris Pirillo offered me a job, I took it, and moved out to Seattle. I did it because I wanted something new in my life - something different.

New York City and Michigan were fucking killing me. Really, I was killing myself, slowly. I'm an addict. I'm addicted to a lot of different things. I've lied, cheated, and stolen to get my fix. One of the conditions of my moving back in with my parents was that I had to go to therapy.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm doing this at the request of my therapist.

Anyway, most of you guys know that I left Seattle to visit my parents at Christmas. That part's true. I also left my parent's after the holidays. I stayed in a cheap little ho-dunk motel for several weeks until my cash dried up.

I was fucking lying to myself. And I lied to you guys.

I was lying to myself, thinking things would get better. The truth is, I spent almost all of my money on my addictions and fell behind on the rent. The day I left for New York I was evicted and all my shit left out on the sidewalk for the garbage.

I stayed in the motel because I couldn't think of anything to tell my parents. For all they knew, I was back in Seattle. And then my fucking cash ran out, so I bounced around from shelter to shelter leeching the nearby WiFi.

Being a homeless hacker isn't nearly as cool as movies would have you believe.

When I told you guys I was up in CT, I was just trying to get you guys to stop fucking worrying over me. I saw what I was and you guys didn't need to see that. I realize now if I had told any one of you the truth, I would've gotten help sooner. Hindsight's a fucking cunt, isn't it?

I want to apologize. I want to say that I'm sorry to everyone. But I just can't fucking do that. It's not enough. It's never going to be enough.

Lenny, I know you're my pal, at least in some small way. Maybe not anymore, but I want you to know I didn't take your phone call and throw it away. Kat, Nic, Corey, and all of my friends, really you guys are the reason I'm living with my parents, attending therapy and counseling.

I owe Chris & Ponzi an explanation. Hell, I owe them money and a computer. I can't give them the computer back because I don't have it anymore. That whole story about it being in my parents house? I lied. I fucking sold it to pay for that motel room for a couple of extra weeks.

Yes, I realize that was wrong. I realize it's a legally problematic position to put myself in. I don't care. I gotta tell the fucking truth. Hell, maybe they'll let me repay them over time. Maybe not. I don't even know what they think.

I realize now that I fucked all of you guys over hard. I know you can't trust me or believe me, but I'm being honest when I say I never intended to go down this road. There's a lot I want to - I NEED to - say to certain people. But I don't have the courage to, right now. I realize I've been fucking selfish all this time, but right now I need to be selfish and continue to fix me.

That's all I've got to say right now. I'm not looking for support, or forgiveness. This is part of what I've got to do to get better - I gotta tell you guys the truth.